Tag Archives: thoughts

feeling guilty

I traveled to my hometown, a small town in Wisconsin, from my new home in Florida, for a short visit before the fun craziness of my summer ensues. My friends, one who I have connected with since birth, and two others I have become close to over the years, and I, walked out to the lighthouse at dusk to bask in the scenic view.

I have no problem being 100% honest with people, and that makes conversations with my friends very easy. We all sat, staring back at the city where we spent 18 years of our lives, yet all that was visible was a scatter of orange bulbs against a pitch black sky. As I mentioned, it is easy to ask whatever is on your mind with all of the people I surround myself with….my friend kindly interjected into the silence, “Do you want to raise a family here?”

It was agreed upon by my friends, and I, that we understood why our families decided to raise us here. The town has almost no crime, a nice school system, friendly people, and it is easy to be comfortable. My friends seemed to like the idea of raising a family in the town they grew up. I started to feel guilty, I didn’t say too much. Why do I have the desire to raise a family somewhere different? Why didn’t I feel the strong pull to bring up my children in the ways I was brought up? I don’t know why it is, but I have no interest in raising my family in this town. Is it my longing for change? My adaptability to new environments? My thinking that my husband will have grown up in a town, or know of a place, which he finds perfect for a family? Or could it be my immaturity? The fire of travel, adventure, and new experiences still burning inside me. Thinking ahead, I don’t think this fire will ever be extinguished. I cannot feel guilty for living to take risks, or pursuing bold journeys and goals. This results in my happiness, and if I am lucky, the happiness of those in need, and those I love. You are not wrong for not wanting to settle in the place you have called home for so many years, and those who stay are not wrong.

It is simply my wish to define the unknown before committing to the repeated. 

Happy: enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy.

The ultimate question: Am I happy in my life? And, if I’m not happy, what can I do to get there?

Why is happiness so important? I mean it must be important if our founding fathers put it in the Declaration of Independence.“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.” Our happiness is protected by the government…must be a big deal then! People always say, “just be happy.” But, if there is a bunch of things distracting your happiness – heartbreak, deadlines, a negative friend – how the heck are you supposed to “just be happy”?

I surprised myself. I discovered that regardless of whatever is roadblocking your happiness, a change of outlook can make you feel like the happiest person alive.

Matilde, an amazing friend, who I met when helping at El Buen Samaritino (a wonderful organization teaching children who otherwise would not have the opportunity of education) was the driving force in ‘figuring out my life’. (need some help with this expression? Check out my definition at the end of this post) I was really missing my friends and family while in Guatemala, and I told her that I didn’t understand why this was happening because I was only there for a week. She told me that missing them is a GREAT thing, especially in my ‘figuring out my life’ phase, that it meant I am happy in the life I am living, missing the happiness I was used to. WOW. She was right. And being in Guatemala, around so much joy, reinforced that I am happiest when I am impacting society, spreading some love.

So, I figured that out. I am happy in my life. But, there is many more things to figure out..Purpose. Love. What am I doing. What’s important to me.

If you’re going to read anything in this post, read this. Gandhi summed it up perfectly, “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
So, now that I am back in the United States I am ready to take on thinking, saying, and doing all the same. Wanting to change the world one helping hand at a time.

‘figuring out my life’  an obscure wording  I use to describe my endless thoughts on..achieving ultimate happiness, understanding what love means to me, how can I let my passions shine everyday, how can I show people how amazing they really are..to name a few. 

Soul Time

I traveled to Jocotenango, Guatemala in March 2013, because I was sick of sitting on the beach and doing nothing over my spring breaks. I knew I wanted to help people when I was there, and hopefully gain a new perspective on what living really means. I didn’t understand love. I didn’t understand the purpose of living. I often questioned if I was actually happy in my life. So I packed a bag and headed there for a week, alone, ready to figure out my life. (I’m not sure what this blog will ultimately be about, but I’m sure my endless thoughts in Guatemala will take up most of the posts.)

Before I left for Guatemala, I told my mom that I was determined to figure out my life during this week. She seemed happy for me, and then asked, “What if you don’t, what if you don’t feel inspired?” I laughed at the thought, but I took it to heart. What if I don’t find out anything, and I returned to the exact conundrums in my life that I was trying to escape? Well, that would just suck big time.

That did not happen, though. I figured out just what I set out to. And for some reason, I feel like sharing some of those ideas with the world.