feeling guilty

I traveled to my hometown, a small town in Wisconsin, from my new home in Florida, for a short visit before the fun craziness of my summer ensues. My friends, one who I have connected with since birth, and two others I have become close to over the years, and I, walked out to the lighthouse at dusk to bask in the scenic view.

I have no problem being 100% honest with people, and that makes conversations with my friends very easy. We all sat, staring back at the city where we spent 18 years of our lives, yet all that was visible was a scatter of orange bulbs against a pitch black sky. As I mentioned, it is easy to ask whatever is on your mind with all of the people I surround myself with….my friend kindly interjected into the silence, “Do you want to raise a family here?”

It was agreed upon by my friends, and I, that we understood why our families decided to raise us here. The town has almost no crime, a nice school system, friendly people, and it is easy to be comfortable. My friends seemed to like the idea of raising a family in the town they grew up. I started to feel guilty, I didn’t say too much. Why do I have the desire to raise a family somewhere different? Why didn’t I feel the strong pull to bring up my children in the ways I was brought up? I don’t know why it is, but I have no interest in raising my family in this town. Is it my longing for change? My adaptability to new environments? My thinking that my husband will have grown up in a town, or know of a place, which he finds perfect for a family? Or could it be my immaturity? The fire of travel, adventure, and new experiences still burning inside me. Thinking ahead, I don’t think this fire will ever be extinguished. I cannot feel guilty for living to take risks, or pursuing bold journeys and goals. This results in my happiness, and if I am lucky, the happiness of those in need, and those I love. You are not wrong for not wanting to settle in the place you have called home for so many years, and those who stay are not wrong.

It is simply my wish to define the unknown before committing to the repeated. 


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